It's been a whirlwind at a snail's pace the way things have changed since I started writing here. My job, my romantic partner, my friendships. I actually have friends now! Whaaat. I'll tell ya, it's been a lot of not expecting anything and then also learning how to expect certain things. If that sounds confusing, it's because it is. It's way fucking confusing, and it's exactly how life is sometimes.
For example, I have a romantic interest who sometimes maybe never again acts as a sexual partner. I would have not seen myself being ok with this situation in years past, and I'm just going with what feels safe and fun right now. No, I don't love the instability. I do like his intellect, though, and his wit. His face and body are quite nice, too. Heh. For serious, though -- it's not easy peasy for me to genuinely like someone enough to get sexy these days. He must be politically aware and have a fucking opinion about the way the world is right now. People want to identify as middle of the road and "not political," which is fine for them. It's just that if I hear a potential partner utter "not political," I am immediately not interested.
We're all just trying to make it in this world. We each have our pain and suffering, our joy and delight. Some of us have greater desire than others for different values: social justice, harmony, material wealth, beauty, wisdom, independence, and the list goes on. I have been trying for a long time to balance my individual desires with those of a partner, and I've found varying success. Relationships are a big challenge. Communication can see through a lot of difficulty, and all parties must be working toward the same goal in order for it to work well.
I was seeing someone for just under three months. Thought we could work out something that helped both of us, and received a vicious message in return. In the past, I may have spent a long time in tears or hating on him. This time, I cried for an evening and then focused on sending him compassion as I meditated. We had gone back and forth a few times trying to decipher a bond, and in the end he was unwilling to find common ground. It's how it goes sometimes.
There is a lot of ambiguity in life. People frequently talk about how little time there is and if they would have done such and such. It's great to process mistakes because we learn from them, and excess focus on the would have, could have, should have... this can deteriorate a mind and spirit. What is excess focus? What is enough focus? These questions take a lifetime to answer, and answers can change from one decade to the next.
I'm part of the online dating world at the moment. This changes almost minute-to-minute because I wonder about excess and enough. I deactivate and reactivate my profile more times than I can count. It's difficult to know how much effort to put into any one potential because my heart and mind still long for a former partner. When I think of him, my eyes tear up and my chest fills with love.
Well hello there.