Rape, early life neglect.
Adventures around the world. Solo travel in Europe, Australia, Southeast Asia.
Lake house in Canada. Rocky Mountain by bicycle with a group of older teens at 13.
Divorce. Emotionally absent or distant parents. Tense, shallow, angry, absent sibling bonds.
Trips to other states, other countries by train, plane, and automobile. Education. Nutrition. Healthcare.
Sometimes I have a really difficult time with the concept of being alive. I get into a mind circle of why am I here, I hope I don't wake up in the morning. It's a big challenge. This tends to happen when I feel like I don't have control. Like in a current situation with my neighbors. Last night I felt a lot of anger and sadness and stress because I felt helpless with them. They're party people, big on the booze and loud with their inconsiderate behavior. They can be funny and share deep thoughts. Sometimes they get out of hand. This past weekend, they set off fireworks at 3:30 am. Then the next night, near midnight, one drunkishly yelled at his front door for the dog to open it. It's so incredibly inconsiderate. In my past, people close to me acted very inconsiderate and I didn't have any control in those many years. So this situation triggers these body memories of no control and I start to feel angry as an instinctive protection measure. My body is used to tension and thoughts of death as comfort.
The past few days, I've focused more on asking for assistance during my morning meditations and trusting it's already here. I reached a kind of plateau in my experience where I feel a lot of emotion and I'm not sure what exactly to do with it sometimes. Then I learned about self-massage as a self-calmer -- sensation along the arms and legs as a way to center the feeling of existence. It's related to the idea of proprioception. Joseph Bennington-Castro describes this term in his Gizmodo article, Sensing Your Own Body is More Complicated that You Realize.
In 1906, neurophysiologist Charles Scott Sherrington coined the terms proprioception, interoception and exteroception. Proprioception, he said, was an awareness of the body, which stems from sensory receptors — proprioceptors — in the muscles, tendons and joints. Interoceptors and exteroceptors provide the brain with information about the internal organs and external world, respectively.
Well hello there.