Lundy Bancroft discusses denial in chapter three of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Bancroft titled this chapter The Abusive Mentality, and I found that it applied to both men and women who practice controlling behavior. On pages 66 and 67 in the Berkley 2003 version, he writes,
There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch for:
...Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling. He'll speak to you with his voice trembling with anger, or he'll blame a difficulty on you, or he'll sulk for two hours, and then deny it to your face. You know what he did -- and so does he -- but he refuses to admit it, which can drive you crazy with frustration. Then he may call you irrational for getting so upset by his denial.
...In some ways manipulation is worse than overt abuse... after a manipulative interaction she may have little idea what went wrong; she just knows that she feels terrible, or crazy, and that somehow it seems to be her own fault."
My recent conflict with my sister illustrates manipulation in action. Through many experiences, I've learned that she twists history and neglects sections of time. I explain my version of the truth to her, and she closes conversation with her emotions and denial.
Sometimes I feel frustrated when I think about what kind of sibling relationships I have versus the ones I want. The act of comparison tricks my mind like a lie tricks minds. Lies, comparisons, and manipulation generate from the same blobular viscous energy: insecurity.
Closed family systems thrive in insecure thought and action. Closed interactions contribute to an environment in which people feel disconnected, angry, sad, and/or anxious. People who grow up in families that practice with closed concepts of interaction do and say things that continue a cycle of insecurity until they recognize a need for change and practice with different methods.
Balance as fulfillment dissipates insecurity. Experience and instinct work together and form balance.
9/20/15 changed permalink from to june-28th-2015 to balance-as-fulfillment