For some of us, there is an immediacy and powerful spontaneity that happens early. Life situations are such that particular traits are honed more than others, and we develop unique skills. Hardship and misfortune run rampant in our lives because that's how life can be when you differ from the pack.
Insights and preferences shift, though. What was really important at one time can seem different now. We start out with certain ideas and efforts, and then things happen. Socioeconomic factors affect whether we learn, travel, or otherwise develop diversity in our lives. We choose or do not choose to raise children. Society evolves and devolves around us, and we get to decide whether we will remain engaged with life.
It's been a whirlwind at a snail's pace the way things have changed since I started writing here. My job, my romantic partner, my friendships. I actually have friends now! Whaaat. I'll tell ya, it's been a lot of not expecting anything and then also learning how to expect certain things. If that sounds confusing, it's because it is. It's way fucking confusing, and it's exactly how life is sometimes.
For example, I have a romantic interest who sometimes maybe never again acts as a sexual partner. I would have not seen myself being ok with this situation in years past, and I'm just going with what feels safe and fun right now. No, I don't love the instability. I do like his intellect, though, and his wit. His face and body are quite nice, too. Heh. For serious, though -- it's not easy peasy for me to genuinely like someone enough to get sexy these days. He must be politically aware and have a fucking opinion about the way the world is right now. People want to identify as middle of the road and "not political," which is fine for them. It's just that if I hear a potential partner utter "not political," I am immediately not interested.
We're all just trying to make it in this world. We each have our pain and suffering, our joy and delight. Some of us have greater desire than others for different values: social justice, harmony, material wealth, beauty, wisdom, independence, and the list goes on. I have been trying for a long time to balance my individual desires with those of a partner, and I've found varying success. Relationships are a big challenge. Communication can see through a lot of difficulty, and all parties must be working toward the same goal in order for it to work well.
I was seeing someone for just under three months. Thought we could work out something that helped both of us, and received a vicious message in return. In the past, I may have spent a long time in tears or hating on him. This time, I cried for an evening and then focused on sending him compassion as I meditated. We had gone back and forth a few times trying to decipher a bond, and in the end he was unwilling to find common ground. It's how it goes sometimes.
Well hello there.