It's common for family members in closed family systems to spar with emotion games. This type of match is sometimes imperceptible because strikes do not leave visible marks. Moves exist in autopilot until doers recognize them. Honest conversations present recognition. When someone presents information that appears as a lie, recognition falters -- doers hide, deny. The denial controls the situation unless one or more parties practice balance.
Lundy Bancroft discusses denial in chapter three of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Bancroft titled this chapter The Abusive Mentality, and I found that it applied to both men and women who practice controlling behavior. On pages 66 and 67 in the Berkley 2003 version, he writes,
There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch for:
The manipulative action that Bancroft describes continues until one or both parties ends it. Before an end is possible, a recognition must occur. Part of recognition is experience. This concept is illustrated in a great series named Scott and Bailey. It's about two female detectives in England and their relationships with each other and their families, friends, romantic partners, and colleagues. (The rest of this paragraph discusses story twists in the show. If you'd rather not read about how the story evolves, please skip to the next paragraph.) One of the characters gets romantically involved with someone who manipulates her. She's intelligent and in tune with her instincts, and yet the romantic partner deceives her and twists her life into a chaotic mess. Later in the series, one of the older characters advises this younger character, "You have good instincts. You need instinct and experience to make wise choices. You accumulate experience as you live" (paraphrased)... "You're good now. You'll be very good one day."
My recent conflict with my sister illustrates manipulation in action. Through many experiences, I've learned that she twists history and neglects sections of time. I explain my version of the truth to her, and she closes conversation with her emotions and denial.
Sometimes I feel frustrated when I think about what kind of sibling relationships I have versus the ones I want. The act of comparison tricks my mind like a lie tricks minds. Lies, comparisons, and manipulation generate from the same blobular viscous energy: insecurity.
Closed family systems thrive in insecure thought and action. Closed interactions contribute to an environment in which people feel disconnected, angry, sad, and/or anxious. People who grow up in families that practice with closed concepts of interaction do and say things that continue a cycle of insecurity until they recognize a need for change and practice with different methods.
Balance as fulfillment dissipates insecurity. Experience and instinct work together and form balance.
9/20/15 changed permalink from to june-28th-2015 to balance-as-fulfillment
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