We each have a particular vibration about us. Which is to say, each of us beats with a different drum. Some of us seek more and others are quite content to play in the sandboxes of our births. There are those among us who stand still or move slowly 'round the same circle of comprehension for days, months, years. Others appear born ready to explore, seek new understanding, and challenge the systems in place. Neither route is intrinsically better or worse. They're different, each with a place in the world. As a vibration or drumbeat that wanders, challenges and mistakes are inevitable. Many adventurers are both highly intelligent and creative, and it can feel near impossible for these personalities to "pick up" the self after certain mistakes occur.
Right now in my life, I'm struggling with professional reprimands and healthcare costs. It's difficult to balance my thoughts and emotions around these kinds of expenses -- professional and financial. I spent a long time recently feeling overwhelmed and listless. As I sit here and type, I feel a big lump in my chest, a sense of hopelessness. The situations are such that reprimands and charges are arbitrarily applied. These difficulties really push at my sense of self because they've been ongoing for about six months and they tug at the very definition of common decency. I don't fit into my work sphere and yet I'm trying to learn and practice with partiular technical skills for my long-term career. My work environment is very insensitive and hostile, and to-date I've been the only female to observe it from the inside. As far as healthcare costs, I trusted a relationship with a doctor to take care of my financial costs associated with the visit. I believed a 10-year-old bond meant that the tiny office's staff were looking out for me just like I tried to look out for them, as a client. What I believed would be a zero-additional-charge procedure turned into an $8,000 charge! Two appeals later, life wrests from me my sense of security and foundation in social justice. These last six months or so, wow. What a lot of effort to maintain movement through depressive thoughts.
In my earlier life, I also struggled a lot. Being bicultural with parents who neglected to socialize and nurture me set up a lot of difficulties. I didn't have anyone to talk with. No one to help me process the inconsiderate people at school and at home. No one to help me recognize racism or sexism and defend myself from it. I met a lot of rich people when I was in school. We gravitated to each other. I wasn't rich, necessarily -- not like they were rich. Fifth through seventh grades were exciting and scary. My environment shifted 180 degrees. I found my suburban American eyes looking outside a hotel room at a beautiful tropical Asian city. Skyscrapers filled what seemed like every inch. The water in the distance, a reminder of the ocean. I got lost in those streets on my own at all of 10 through 13.
We live in a super world. Super fuckin' crazy. Super awesome. All that. We can be friends with people who say uncomfortable stuff. We choose whether to speak and say something like, "Inappropriate," when words get biased or tense and ugly. We decide what a healthcare cost means to us on a deep personal level. The same goes for any kind of professional event, such as a write-up. Each of us is powerful. In spite of actions that others feel obligated to execute, we are able to venture into the great unknown with confidence and humility. Even if our minds want to think of bad and begin an anxiety cycle, we can choose to believe that good can happen. Our focus maintains our health and strength.
Well hello there.