Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it. I find myself in a moment that I hate as disgust or a sense of helplessness courses in my veins. My current work situation tests my sense of self, my sense of safety in life, any connection to a sense of true justice or honor. It's occasionally difficult for me to see the past couple of years, the past few, the past decades and feel something other than disappointment. Growing up bicultural and female in a primarily white male-dominated section of the world has been fuc*in' disheartening. The bias here runs deep and is easily deniable because the actions are so subtle. It sucks. It's classic racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, neuro-ism -- nah, I don't know if that last one is actually the word -- but I'm trying to describe the bias against various mental health capacities. All of these types of bias are out in the open here. It's so much effort to live free in the midst of injustice!
That bit about bias in the open -- I've found this to be especially true in my current place of business. Among the people in my immediate environment, emotions are primarily unspoken. There is a lot of indirect aggression. This circle of silence typically denies or makes fun of sensitivity. Its leadership delivers extreme punishment for minor offenses. The people close to my cube appear to feel uneasy with ambiguity, hostile toward questions. I gotta say, I feel really hurt when another person directs their impatience at me, and this has happened a lot where I work. It's humiliating to be treated with anger or expectation to do as told upon command. I'm the kind of person who wants to feel free to dance as she works, take time to ask my questions, have my questions answered with patience and kindness. But the people around me, they typically want to laugh at someone who doesn't understand, rush someone along to their pace, or withhold information because it's easier to do it by one's self than offer time and patience to explain and answer questions.
A tendency to allow for all types of people and situations makes a personality open to those who are not aware of themselves. These unaware folks often seem to mistake vulnerability as an opportunity to take advantage of another person. It's a shame, really. Deep down, I think everyone has at least a speck of good inside. But the ones who act mostly unaware and flounder with venom, these are they who have a weak connection with their genuine good. They're not bad people, per se. They are simply somewhat absent from the good in their beings. Perhaps uneducated in depth and connection, maybe very little experience with truth. So the people among us who recognize the unaware, we are tasked with a choice to decide who we are in proximity to this unawareness. The choice isn't always easy or easily recognizable. Sometimes we'll have to do things we don't really want to do because it makes sense for other factors. Those factors may shift, and what was important one decade could seem less important in another decade. We don't know until we get there sometimes. But we can decide to love and believe in justice and trust. If it takes multiple affirmation moments in one morning, so be it. It's like with DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and its concept of radical acceptance -- sometimes we have to remind ourselves over and over again in a particular time frame to balance willfulness and willingness. Radical acceptance is a term that initially irks me because of its use of the term radical. However, its definition really challenges my neurological makeup.
To be willful is something long ingrained in me as good. To be willing seems weak, unprepared. So to focus on this effort as meaningful, to trust my own integrity as guidance. This is life's big challenge right now. It's really scary, I have to say. But I'd really like to believe that honor and justice are worth my fear, patience, and effort. Humiliation at work happens sometimes when things are unconscious and mean. It's ok even as it's not ok. To some degree, accept a responsibility to follow rules; show respect with people even when you really dislike their views; and do good with your actions. This is the way of peace and tranquility, as passed through many stories from the dawn of perception.
"Do not seek truth, only cease to cherish opinion."
Well hello there.