There is a lot of ambiguity in life. People frequently talk about how little time there is and if they would have done such and such. It's great to process mistakes because we learn from them, and excess focus on the would have, could have, should have... this can deteriorate a mind and spirit. What is excess focus? What is enough focus? These questions take a lifetime to answer, and answers can change from one decade to the next.
I'm part of the online dating world at the moment. This changes almost minute-to-minute because I wonder about excess and enough. I deactivate and reactivate my profile more times than I can count. It's difficult to know how much effort to put into any one potential because my heart and mind still long for a former partner. When I think of him, my eyes tear up and my chest fills with love.
That said, I recently tried a commitment with another man. Many times, his words and actions did not match. It didn't bother me too much because I figured we would work it out with time. Then one day he became very irritable, started talking over me, rushing me. A short while later, he indirectly ended our relationship. I felt sad and a bit offended by the way he went about it. He began to devalue me and then treat my personality as an oddity. I suppose this made it easier for him to call it quits. It hurt, though, because I put a lot of effort into seeing past his imperfections to the good inside of him. With many conversations, I have come to see how this man doesn't really know what he wants. He is not in a good place for a stable relationship. It still hurts to be pushed away, and with understanding I am able to wish him the best in his life.
May we all wish ourselves compassion and joy. Ambiguity, grief, and loss are part of being human. A relationship's length does not determine its worth. Every interaction brings value. We could have, should have, and would have, sure. Let us also rest in what is.
Well hello there.