A weird munchkin is currently my landlord. Landslide doesn't practice integrity and will say one thing and do another without so much as a virtual blink, aka text message. His actions are inconsiderate, and nothing seems to stop him from doing as he pleases. This strange character, this oblivious and chaotic personality, treats irrelevant the thoughts and feelings of others. Landslide's actions can preface extreme anger inside of me. Navigation through these scenarios requires presence, voice, and deep breaths.
Anger and a sense of injustice are deep deep emotions. Each of us feels them in our own unique ways and then acts with them in ways that are occasionally oblivious to even the most introspective among us. Someone cuts us off; we remember a memory; a friend says something that hurts our feelings; a coworker talks over us or tries to hurry us along. In these cases, some people yell, throw verbal punches, or joke; others discuss.
There are responsible and respectful ways with which to process this sense of injustice with Landslide, first and foremost to limit contact. My inclination was to purchase a new lawnmower yesterday just so I don't need to interact with Landslide as much. Even though I didn't see him, his behavior and traits dirtied my home when he walked a lawnmower through my kitchen rather than ask for a key to the garage door. Gah, such a trivial thing on its own, however built up over time, these tiny situations create a blanket of discontent because they're entirely inconsiderate. Dickheads and assholes don't try to work toward union and balance. They're out for themselves, sucking up whatever anyone will give them instead of thinking about and practicing what's healthy for one and the other. So yeah, limited contact necessary. And... as long as I live here, he's a human who can do as he pleases in my home, to a certain extent. Renters don't have many rights in my state. I can get rid of the lawnmower, buy my own, tell Landslide it's elsewhere. He'll still have a right to get in here and walk around and touch my life's elements. Yuck.
So, what to do, what to do. I tell ya' -- it's not a want kind of choice to rent. It's a necessity for me right now. And I want to purchase, I do. Then I wonder about taxes and risk. Still, is home ownership a good choice? Would it be wise to sign myself up for a 30-year investment as I pay off my other loan, the student loans? Phew. So many details. So much room for confusion and anger and offense. Some people learned to hush these emotions, to silence them. Their caretakers taught them to push away discomfort by laughing at them when hurt revealed, or by saying callous statements a la:
Sometimes things feel extremely unfair, offensive, or rage-worthy, and these triggers are justified to the mind that creates them. Anger and offense are important emotions. They teach us about personal pains and boundaries. People who won't hear these emotions or work with them in a responsible manner compose society's dickheads and assholes, personalities like my landlord's. This type of destructive behavior may preface anger because it disrespects the needs and wants of the other person. It takes deep deep breaths and connection to remain confident and secure through treatment like this.
One day, things will be different. I won't live in this space, and I'll live in a different type of situation. This landlord will likely continue to act in the same manner. What's important here is how I proceed with my existence and the steps I take for self-care and care of my community. I want a solution to this conundrum, and my solution may be longer-term in favor of other considerations (paying off the student loan, for example). Home ownership is a nice idea, and right now it's not feasible for my personal financial situation. So, Landslide and I, we have this connection and I want to stay connected and responsible through it. He's going to act inconsiderate, and I'll encapsulate his dickilicious assinateory crap with words on the Internets. Phooey! Yuck to this, too. I don't want to feel angry just because there are inconsiderate actions around me from the person to whom I give a large portion of my paycheck.
Anger is important and it needs respect, and I don't want to live with it as my constant. So, this is where I turn to deep breaths, meditations on nothing. I keep my plans in place, practice actions as necessary, and keep to my dreams.
Well hello there.