Someone told me that I bore her with my thoughts.
I'd asked for her opinion of my blog. I sent her a link to my previous post. She responded with two perspectives. The first: If this is an online journal, awesome! The second: If I'm writing for an audience, snore. She said, "less textbook, more gossip." As my eyes read the word gossip, I immediately knew: audience? Nope. I'm not interested in developing and maintaining an image to attract and retain an audience. That's a type of work best left to those who like and/or want it. It reminded me of grade school and how I felt when I walked those halls. I felt insecure. Oh no! The way I think bores other people. Too many lists. Too many facts. I'm such a stereotype. Which Asian-looking person here doesn't keep a list? [Yes, other cultures keep lists.] Better hide.
I tapped on my insecurity and spent some of the day in a haze. I'd seen myself as an interesting person. I pictured myself intelligent and exciting. Her words said otherwise. I found myself reminding me of a few things. Namely, there are reasons for why I am the way I am. I reminded myself of why I started this blog. It took a night's rest and some interaction with my circle of trust. And then I wanted to write again.
It's ok if someone else thinks my thoughts are boring. The important thing is to remember my own sense of purpose. I can say, "Thank you for sharing," and then I can go on my way and keep doing my own thing. Someone else's opinion doesn't have to cease my actions. It can be challenging for me to remember that, especially if I at all value the other person's perspective. This is probably a natural phenomenon. It likely has a biological or sociological purpose.
Humans are animals. Many [all?] animals socialize in herds. It's beneficial to the herd to keep members in a sense of order. Sharing opinions is a way to manage order. An open environment will allow for multiple opinions. A healthy system will encourage balance in the face of criticism. A closed environment will restrict thoughts. An unhealthy system will encourage shame and insecurity in the face of criticism.
So, when I heard, "You're boring," and I responded with insecurity -- that was a natural response for a human with a closed and unhealthy mental framework for criticism. I'm a healthy person who sometimes experiences shame or insecurity. I experience shame or insecurity because my mind is programmed to feel those emotions in certain situations.
I can choose to change my mental framework. It's one by one, step by step, thought by thought. It's internal image.
6/26/16. added picture
Well hello there.