It's been six years now since narcissist Hispanic rapist manipulated my life. I went for him hook, line, and sinker. He happened when I was with an angry privileged white male. Looking back, I see how confused I felt. It's hard to develop a self amidst family dysfunction and then try to create a confident stable adult life. At every turn, there can be someone ready with critique or an attempt to cut with humor. It can get overwhelming.
Growing up with a Chinese mom and a white dad meant I got the best and worst of two cultures. I learned to adapt and be flexible, which has helped and hurt me along the way. After my sisters left the family in my late childhood, my dad left, too. He chose someone half his age and of the Filipino culture. My mom and I toughed it out for several years before I needed to flee the nest. It was excruciating for me to leave her. I felt immense guilt. I'd observed her abuse and receive abuse. The culture at-large discriminated against her accented English, and I could see how it affected her confidence. Even now, I remind her that she speaks four languages whenever she apologizes for how she sounds. It bruises something inside of me to hear her apologize for what I see as a quality.
It's rare that I bring up cultural descriptions of people in this blog. I've referenced myself as bicultural, and here and there I mention my Chinese side or my white side. But today I am making a point of saying the rapist was Hispanic, that my former husband was white, that my stepmother is Filipino. There is something relevant about all of this, and I'm not quite sure what. Maybe it's that we live in a mixed world. Maybe it's that we learn a lot of things that people say are true, but those things may not be true for everyone. I see this throughout my family, and I guess I think everyone sees the same stuff. But they don't. And sometimes they do.
Dear Reader, May you know the good and bad of your own culture(s). Thank you for living through these difficult times and seeing life for what it really is. I trust that compassion and love swirl inside of and around you, around all of us.
Well hello there.