People who identify with "adult child of narcissist" or with parents who exhibit mental imbalance share stories online that compare with the one I lived yesterday. We appear to share the confusion, pain, and complete helplessness inside of our strength. In front of others, my mother puts on The Mom Show, picks and prods at my attempts at freedom and trust in the world. I'd forgotten about this. It's part of why I quit speaking with her for 18 months up to a few months ago. Yesterday, in her extreme manifest, she referred to this 18-month time of silence as "50 years." She talked about the beauty of ignorance, that she acts like a child because that's what God wants from her. When challenged, she resorted to nonsensical jokes or attempts at confusion. She brought up stories about my past that really hurt my feelings, times when I felt vulnerable and hurt. Then she taunted me for any attempt at individuation, for mistakes. I fought for myself as I felt able. The mean in that woman sucked at me as if I were a negligible sand grain in her goal of complete domination and superiority. Her theatrical display of callous love wrapped our meal in cruel shenanigans. I didn't laugh with connection or feel supported with embrace. I felt hurt by her words, stretched to my extreme with her "jokes." She is primarily a mean and hurtful personality, and I don't want to completely cut her from my life. I'm in the midst of attempts at a balance with regards to her personality's nasty presence in my existence.
I don't need to make her understand or respect me because that'll never really be possible. My mom's personality turns mean in front of people who like and care about me. She talks about me as if I am not present, refers to me in words that define me as helpless. Her vicious is disguised such that she can easily deny or refute any protest. In fact, when I challenge her behavior at length, as I did during our two-hour lunch with my partner yesterday, she turns to making fun of my boundary setting. It is cruelty at its twisted despair of a bottom. My goal to integrate her into my life in a way that respects me and my boundaries went head-to-head with her inappropriate-mean-daughter-as-tool-rather-than-human concoction of social persona. After yesterday, I felt a need to set her emails to auto-delete, to protect myself from her. Her accounts rest now at a technological gate.
At first, I wanted to email her and tell her how what she said, what she did, was inappropriate and the reason I don't want to speak with her on a regular basis. She made fun of me for not talking to her! Rather than talk with me about why it happened, she joked about it in front of my partner, took it to extremes. Then she laughed and smiled really huge with food all in her mouth, on her nose, totally gross to the part of me that learned table etiquette. I felt both repulsed by and furious with her behavior except that those two emotions didn't happen until after we were home for a few hours. In the moments of the two-hour engagement, I was, at first -- in control. Then I felt tired, and I began to not notice how much she just sat around with expectation of an audience. She wanted to show me her new car, and rather than get up and walk with me to it, she sat on a bench, smoked a cigarette, and just pressed the button on her auto thingamajig. Then she kept asking if I'd seen the trunk without actually getting up to look for herself. Talk about f'd.
The mealtime interaction itself was mostly awful. I alternated between angry and direct with clear statements. She pushed back as much as she could, put a full-on show together and created a very uncomfortable environment in which she appeared to thrive because discomfort is her weapon of choice. At times, I went along with it. Laughed. ...then I felt helpless at one point. In a moment of privacy when my partner went to the restroom, she brought up my ex-husband. Completely inappropriate! And yet, I answered her question because I thought I could attempt trust with her. The previous meal seemed to go so well, the one when we were alone together. In that fleeting moment after I shared my thoughts with her, I hoped for that mother-daughter bond other people say they feel, the one where they say, I know my mom loves me. You know, people, I honestly don't know if my mom loves me. I think she might not. And at this point, I am not interested in love from her... or anything else, for that matter. She used that private moment, and she thwarted my trust yet again, as a way to deliver her thoughts about him, the same ones she shared with me before and during our marriage, and now the one she pulls out of her ass when she feels like telling me how much she knows about all things and creation. So. Much. Disrespect. The woman is in her mid-60s, and she delights in causing me to feel frustration and anger. What a crock of crazy and fucked.
Her actions take advantage of and hurt my personality when she's in front of people who love me. That's narcissism at its manipulative extreme. People often express shock at her display of boundarylessness and then laugh because it's quite funny in its brazen rejection of standard polite protocol. I know its true meaning. The truth is that the woman's personality does not engage in kindness. It wields ugly and vindictive as its masquerade of cool and fit-in. If that's the last time we see each other, so be it. ...gah. ...so yeah, she's at auto-delete, and I plan to take a rest from her for as long as I feel necessary. Uncertainty, hello. I'd like to dance and rest in trust. Thanks for your participation.
2/8/16 Edited third paragraph.
I wrote an email to her. I outlined the behavior that isn't ok with me, said I felt angry, that I need space from her at this time.
Well hello there.