It can suck to remember rape and pain, molestation or abandonment. It's never fair, and it's random, like a lottery win or a family of origin. We do what we can as we live. Each of us (yes, even the rapist, the bully, the tyrant) is at a point of purpose. All of us live together in this world whether we're talkative or silent, boisterous or reclusive, crazy or sane. The man on the mountain top and that woman on the beach, they share a divinity. Sometimes others take advantage of us. We remain part of divinity even as the rapist rapes us, and knowing this, sometimes others thwart this information to mean it's cool to rape. Or they change the meaning of rape and then try to convince you that rape is actually ok, fine with the culture at large. This is what one of my boyfriends attempted in my life, and I totally bought into his perceptions and manipulations for a time.
Early experiences can fill a mind, and certainly sometimes they fill mine. I also sometimes feel angry when I am driving behind a bus even as I understand that I'm in a car with a controlled atmosphere and I'm already where I need to be. Gah, you know -- I'm human and I also have this sense of spiritual meaning in each second. I feel overwhelmed sometimes when I think these thoughts and also feel emotions around them.
Sarcasm and scorn led my early home. As time progressed, I came to expect this type of behavior from other people. My older siblings acted aggressive toward me and used me when they could save themselves some pain or frustration. I imagine they thought that since my parents favored me, it was ok to toss their cares on my esteem. My parents, they were in their own lands of aggression toward life and each other. By the time I arrived in the world, they were established in their communication patterns of shame and game. Father-man at work or on a travel alone, maybe with a woman or 10 who weren't my mother. Mother-woman at work, with family, or at church, maybe on the phone or with friends. For a while now, I've considered their behavior as that of narcissists, people who practice with little to no empathy in life. It seems likely that they picked each other because of the ways they felt around the other. One perceived a particular sense of [insert emotion] in the company of the other, and vice versa. Then they had sex and bada bing, bada boom! my eldest sibling arrived to the scene. Ah, life. You so normal in your crazy.
Well hello there.