It's been a whirlwind at a snail's pace the way things have changed since I started writing here. My job, my romantic partner, my friendships. I actually have friends now! Whaaat. I'll tell ya, it's been a lot of not expecting anything and then also learning how to expect certain things. If that sounds confusing, it's because it is. It's way fucking confusing, and it's exactly how life is sometimes.
For example, I have a romantic interest who sometimes maybe never again acts as a sexual partner. I would have not seen myself being ok with this situation in years past, and I'm just going with what feels safe and fun right now. No, I don't love the instability. I do like his intellect, though, and his wit. His face and body are quite nice, too. Heh. For serious, though -- it's not easy peasy for me to genuinely like someone enough to get sexy these days. He must be politically aware and have a fucking opinion about the way the world is right now. People want to identify as middle of the road and "not political," which is fine for them. It's just that if I hear a potential partner utter "not political," I am immediately not interested.
In this day and age, I want to be with someone who makes a fucking choice. I don't need another mediocre outlook or lukewarm belief. Fuck that shit. Get away from me. Be decisive in what you stand for, even if you change your mind later. I may not like your opinion, and I might run away from your fucked views. And still, I would prefer that to a mind that doesn't decide.
So yeah. Things are confusing, and sometimes I have little idea what I'm doing or how things will turn out. But I've also decided to not sustain suicidal thoughts. When I am able, I alter their course. I just simply tell myself no. No thinking this thought. It's not an option. Then I hover in limbo for a bit, maybe a long while. Perhaps I meditate, do a workout, or eat some kind of healthy snack. It just depends. I've reached a point where I don't want to stay long in suicidal thought time, though.
It's not easy even though I use the word "just" when saying I tell myself no. Changing a mind's direction takes effort and sometimes years of meditation and new ideas. It's worth it, though.
Well hello there.