It's common for people who experience abuse or neglect to route their minds with anger or anxiety. A lot of us go the television or movie avenue. Some take the video game path, turn to drugs or alcohol, or work a ton. It can be difficult to manage uncomfortable feelings. In many cases, emotion management patterns are passed from generation to generation. When one family member chooses to exit the emotion cycle in a family, this choice can preface great turmoil for the individual and others in the circle. Sometimes it's years to the place in which people exchange comfort.
My family is full of awkward relationships, many filled with tension or silence. There is a lot of sharing stories that may or may not be appropriate for the situation. In the wider community, I find that I struggle quite a bit with whether a particular topic is suitable to mention with others. When I first started to venture out of my marriage four years ago this month, my oral communication skills were quite limited. I was incredibly stifled in the conversation region of existence. When the narcissist rapist and I met each other, there was very little happening in my social sector. My marriage was pretty grim. We had a 20-minute rule: We could each speak about ourselves to the other for 20 minutes each day. I might have suggested it because he seemed to exhibit so much discomfort and disinterest in what I had to say, and I may have thought that the solution was to limit myself for his comfort. He didn't like to have sex, from what I could tell. That, or maybe his bits weren't able to perform. I don't know. We didn't talk about it. We went months sometimes without having sex. Maybe we slept together once or twice a year for a while. I don't remember the specific months or time frame. I know that I felt incredibly alone even as he sat next to me in the evenings and watched television. Honestly, I thought that I owed him something and shouldn't leave the relationship because a marriage should be forever. It was a weird time in life, and it felt normal as I lived it.
Relationships are a crucial element in life. Even if you live alone on a mountain top, you'll have relationships with insects and the water around you. The ways in which we perceive that in which we exist... this is the heart of our lives. This is the beat with which we continue. It's up to us how we see the world and its elements. This month I remember the life I lived four years ago. At one time, I felt very angry about what happened. I thought I let myself down by being with him for so long even when I felt unhappy. In time, I've begun to appreciate how the choice for coupling with him made sense for the time. I thought I was doing the best thing for me and us and life. I got to experience several lovely travels, both around this country and others seas away from us. His personality was a dud in some cases, and in others it offered that which I craved: stability, reliability, expectation. Maybe sometimes we need to choose certain things that will later turn into difficult situations. As one person recently shared with me: Many of the most valuable things in life are attained through uncomfortable and awkward situations.
I don't know whether any human besides me really reads this blog. If you're out there, thanks for your attention and interest. It's fun to speak and be heard. We're all in relationships of one form or another, and I wish you serenity in your experiences. May the water of compassion and joy fill your existence.
Well hello there.