when I think about it
sometimes I feel anxious
what is balance
do you believe it is possible
does your belief in yes
does your belief in no
does your belief in I won't answer
say something about you
or is it nothing
This morning, I consider a relationship I once watched. A young wealthy Caucasian woman (let's call her Tulip) and a not-as-wealthy non-Caucasian man (let's call him Sapling) kept an open-partner commitment. Tulip's parents made certain choices that produced wealth and she did not have to work when I knew her. I asked her once if she considered doing what her parents once did as jobs. She said she didn't want to because it seemed like too much work. Sapling was raised mostly by his mother, a woman originally from a country that differed from the country in which we all met. In the nine months that I knew him, Sapling changed jobs twice. I once asked him to not sing a particular song around me because its lyrics were explicit and degrading toward women. He said he wouldn't sing the song around me anymore.
I feel a bit conflicted about how the relationship between us ended. I was in a position such that I knew that Sapling was hiding something from Tulip, something I considered extremely important. However, I didn't feel it my place to tell Tulip.
Sapling's behavior consisted of a lot of traits, including arrogance, inconsiderate actions, and undercover misogyny. I was his roommate. In fact, he was the landlord of the house in which I lived. At one point, Sapling told me and a couple of other people about his boundary situation with Tulip.
Apparently, Tulip's father once formed a bond with one of her previous boyfriends. The father and the boyfriend hung out without her. Sapling described how Tulip told him this. From the way he talked about it, I inferred that Tulip did not like this situation in which her father and her boyfriend hung out without her. Then, one day, Tulip's father (unbeknownst to Tulip) contacted Sapling and asked if Sapling wanted to hang out with him one-on-one. Sapling agreed to meet with him.
I asked Sapling in whom his penis entered, Tulip or Tulip's father. Sapling looked confused and went on to justify a decision to hang out with Tulip's father. He said things like, "You need to honor the father."
I told Sapling that you choose what kind of person to be in this life.
Sapling decided to deceive Tulip. He said he'd tell her that he wanted to hang out with her father. Then he would act like the not-known-to-her contact from her father to Sapling did not happen. He justified his decision to deceive with many excuses disguised as reasons.
One day Tulip asked me if I knew something she should know because Sapling and she considered marriage together. I struggled with whether to tell her the information I possessed. She said things like, "I hope you would tell me if you knew something."
I told her I couldn't tell her. I tried to say "I can't tell you" in a way that conveyed how much I did want to tell her.
Tulip was not friendly with me after that experience. She did not look at me or say hello to me. I saw her once a few months ago. We were both walking toward each other at a grocery store entrance. I held eye contact with her until she looked away toward the store.
the concept of enough changes with time
beliefs and anxiety
are ideas from the human mind
that sometimes express in physical form
balance exists separate from the mind's ideas
Well hello there.