Sometimes things seem really wrong. Like living in a big world of ifs. If such and such would have happened or not happened, if I had more money, if I wasn't such a fucking weirdo, then blah blah would be true right now. Some days I wake up and cry because so much appears unfair or painful. I think I thought these years would be something else, another way, somehow better than they are.
My mind usually wants things to be better. It wants a better answer, a more accurate statement or question. It desires upright morals, clear communication, fair assessments. My expectations are really high, and that's how I like them.
The drawback to these super-high expectations is that humans are imperfect. By its very nature, life is a design in progress. When life is no longer in a design phase, it is not life anymore. It is death.
These high expectations and feelings of pain waft through me like waves in an ocean. I feel my emotions lift and lower, sometimes with tears and agony, other times with tears and joy.
Intense emotions are common for particular segments of the population. We compose a set of intelligent people worthy of patience and respect. However, rather unfortunately, many people do not respect or keep patient with intense emotions. They tell people to stop feeling such and such, to do emotional responses in a different way. They match fire with fire or helplessness with malice. It's harsh and cruel and horrible, and it's the way it is sometimes.
In those moments of despair and depth, remember the value of expression and its unique experience. When others diminish value and criticize existence, when we do this to ourselves, let us value our neural pathways and the organ and blood systems that define us. The high and low can pass. We develop health and strength with each mindful breath.
Well hello there.