I decided to tell my sister the truth. She indicated that now isn't the right time for her to meet with me in-person, so I wrote and sent her a letter. I struggled a bit with whether to write it, then with whether to send it.
A couple of my first drafts went into some stuff that I later decided tangential to my main goal.
Which is this: I want her to know the following things.
Yes, of course I feel angry about some key incidents that my brain wants to color in villain-and-hero terms. This is natural. This is called life. I'll think this type of black and white thought almost immediately because that's what I got used to doing in my earlier years. Now it's up to me to catch my thoughts. [A lady named Lynne Namka writes great articles about "catching" emotions.] It's up to me to catch them and then release them in favor of healthier life skills.
When my sister first indicated that she wasn't ready for communication, I felt a surge of emotions (anger, sadness, hurt, insult). I wanted to text back all kinds of mean things. She was really polite about it. Almost formal. Her word choice meant distance to me, and I felt hurt [and a bit humiliated because in that moment that I read her text, it seemed like she had somehow "won"], and I didn't like feeling those emotions. Thankfully, I received a bunch of support in the immediate hours following my reading of her text. My companions helped me see that her response is about where she's at in her life. They helped me understand [through my tears] that it's ok that this isn't ok. [Am I thinking of this particular phrase because of a blog post that I recently read? Hm - I feel uncertain. Just in case, here's some attribution for that "it's ok that this isn't ok" post I read that might be influencing that sentence's word choice: It is Not My Shame to Bear, February 23, 2015, I Hurted Mah-Self, http://itisnotmyshametobear.blogspot.com/2015/02/i-hurted-mah-self.html.]
I cried a bit, wrote in my journal, made some art. It helped to do some deep breathing, EFT [aka "tapping,"] and meditation. I think I'll have to feel this pain for a while... less and less over time. I want to make it go away this instant, and that's not possible.
Which reminds me (because initially I wanted to set up an immediate solution for this situation). I chatted with my boss about how my coworker attempted to physically intimidate me. He suggested that it would be best for him to discuss it one-on-one with my coworker. At first, I wanted to disagree. I wanted to say that my coworker should be ready to hear me. As my boss and I discussed it and as I asked him questions like, "Why do you think that would be better," I realized that my main concern in this scenario is the message: physical intimidation at work is not ok. I don't need to be the one to deliver it. It's most important to me that it is delivered. [I'd like to hope for received, and I don't have any control over that portion so why set myself up with hope?] I want to know that this behavior is addressed.
I suppose that's the point of me sending that letter to my sibling. For my own wellbeing, I want to know that I've addressed my concepts of our family, its experiences, and its members' behaviors with her. I want her to know my version of the truth. I hope she reads it. And if she doesn't, that's ok. I told her what I needed to say in a respectful manner. That's all I can do at this time.
Well hello there.