One of my fears sometimes is that I ask too many questions. I think this fear stems from some of my earlier experiences. It's up to me now to trust myself, and part of that is allowing myself to ask as many questions as I feel necessary.
Once upon a time, important people in my life weren't available to me emotionally. I'd ask questions, make a mistake, or otherwise require attention, and mostly they'd ignore me, respond with frustration or impatience, or provide as little attention as necessary to mend the situation. They were unhappy in their existences. As I observed their personalities, I decided that staying mostly invisible would be safest.
Invisible to visible filled me with anxiety when I first tried it. It was difficult to speak my mind and do it in the moment and without self-judgment. When I first tried it, I spoke my mind and then judged myself a lot -- I should have said it that way, this way, or another way... I should've known better... what if I did it wrong?
Confidence is a gradual process. Confidence requires questions.
Last week, I playfully asked a question of a coworker who typically acts goofy or silly. He responded with frustration. He wanted to escalate the matter to my boss's boss. When I felt invisible, I may have allowed his anger to sway me. I may have decided that his needs and desires outweighed my own. It sucks to think that about myself, and yet it's true. At one time in my life, I allowed another person's anger to dictate my actions and thoughts.
It's making my neck tense to type that previous paragraph. My face is all scrunched in an "ugh, that's disgusting" way. Weakness and vulnerability are hard for me to accept about myself.
So the coworker. I said no to him. I said it in a calm and respectful manner. I felt proud of myself. He wanted to engage in frustration and I didn't allow his frustration to sway me into unnecessary action. Today I asked my boss if he'd mediate a conversation between me and the coworker. I want to discuss this situation with him and I want a third party present to monitor words and emotion displays.
Questions are part of life. Sometimes we know the answers. Sometimes we seek them. When someone else feels angry about a question, the question remains valid.
Well hello there.