Early on, I shared my blog with people in my daily life. Responses ranged from too private to too all over the place or like a textbook. Sometimes I try to share parts of my story with folks in the near vicinity, but it's rare at the moment. I go back and forth between what is too this or that or whatever. Frequently, people do not seem to understand what I'm saying or really get the depth of whatever it is I'm trying to convey. I often wonder if what I've just said offended anyone since people are such different creatures depending on upbringing, environment, experiences, and biology.
Cultural boundaries confuse me most when I am around more than one person. I spent a few years overseas during a very pivotal part of my development. My family and I went from a Caucasian-centric society to one that was primarily Asian-centric with British rule. My menstrual cycle began and I taught myself how to carry a tampon. It was awfully painful! Those Tampax instructions weren't much help with my tiny 11-year-old body. In short order, my older sisters left the family unit and the new country. Later, my parents divorced and my mother and I moved back to Caucasian-centric-land. We moved "home," back into a house vastly void of its prior contents. It's no wonder a sexual identity developed in full force. After all of the abuse and stress, I wanted something I could count on, and for sure the sexual part of myself displayed prominently around me. Magazines, advertising, movies, television shows, the general concept of sexual acts as two thumbs up for men and two thumbs down for women... all of this combined into a very active sensual adventure.
It's difficult, you know, because I see how irresponsible my parents were as parents... leaving me alone with my sisters at five, six, and seven years old. The sisters and my parents left me alone at Circus Circus when I was seven. I don't totally remember all of what happened, but I know I watched the same game over and over again as I waited for someone to come back for me. That song, the one with "another one bites the dust" as its lyric, it's in my mind as that game played and a woman in an elf outfit encouraged people to swing at a platform.
When I was five, my dad sent my older sisters and me to California to live with my grandmother for a summer. We were to go to school and learn Chinese. The only thing is, my grandmother spoke few words of English, and my sisters and I spoke few words of Chinese. My grandmother ended up buying us beer since she thought it was Coca-Cola. Eldest sister -- 10 or 11 at the time -- she instructed me and my middle sister to pour it into a plant pot. I remember being on a bed as eldest talked on the phone with my dad... I feel the yearning for him and my mom. We were so far away from everything we knew. Later, my dad and mom would wonder why we didn't learn Chinese.
Well hello there.