I've spent a year online at this point. This is a big feat because my previous social media stints lasted all of a few months, at most. Something about being so exposed made me want to delete everything, obliterate it like when I threw away all of my yearbooks. Let's Have Donuts manifested in February 2015 as a way for me to talk about rape, neglect, and domestic violence in an open atmosphere. In my daily life, people seemed to want to quiet the pain or offer explanations for it. I needed to push it out into the open, illustrate it with words and art, see and know it as my life. Sometimes I go back and read previous posts, and I feel the fear of embarrassment before I clicked the publish button. Other times, I think -- gosh, I wrote that piece? My friendships, work relationships, and bonds of most kinds have changed as I've developed my voice in these pages. Now that I've written about my experiences with abuse in many forms, I consider where to guide this entity.
First off, thank you, reader person, for your readership. I envision that you support yourself in healthy ways and appreciate your efforts and those of others. Second, I'm interested in this space as a conduit for connection and fascination. My personal wish for this blog is that it offers balance and harmony with its crazy. Someone told me I'm definitely a nerd, and I shy from this label even as it likely defines a particular facet of my existence. My hope is that we enjoy our curiosity and scholarship, that we support critical thinking in ourselves and others. What makes someone a nerd? Aren't we all nerds in one way or another? I sure as hell hope so.
Narcissistic abuse, angry and controlling partners, love that hurts us. Maybe these experiences share residence in your brain, too. These behaviors, it's actually a good thing that we identify them. When we're able to see the characteristics in our lives, we're able to decipher their importance. Sometimes I feel fear about the process of change, age, and death. One of my friends has a seven-year-old daughter who recently sobbed because she thought his gray hairs were an indication of his decay, that death was near. (!) I could totally relate with her. In my early years, I felt fear about natural disasters. When I was 10 years old, I kept an emergency bag under my bed. Filled it with a set of clothes. Maybe I read about the idea in a magazine? I might have been the only one in my family to plan for such a scenario. We lived on the 32nd floor in an apartment building on a tropical island. Hurricanes were a seasonal regular. So yeah, age and death, natural disasters, fear and the unknowable uncontrollable that we live every moment... this is real life.
Change and uncertain and bored are one and the same in the sense that they're all types of energy. We can choose where we head when our minds create hormonal responses named an emotion of one kind or another. Our perspectives allow that we hold ourselves in kindness and motivation, dignity and grace. Even with all of my mistakes and grim situations, I support my creativity and passion. May all of us live with eternal depth and devotion.
Well hello there.